[Outfit Details: Dress – Modcloth | Shoes – Tilly’s | Flower hairclip – Lila-Jo | Necklace – Vintage (it was my mom’s)]
A lot of people don’t understand WHY I believe in Jesus. The truth is I developed very bad partial deafness in both of my ears when I was about a year and a half old. My mom thinks it was because I slept near an old radiator. I tend to think it was from 2nd hand smoke from my dad. Whatever speech I developed or words I may have been learning, all of that became null & void really (most children can’t speak until they are 2-3 years old). I’ve been told by many people that I “remember everything” and sometimes it creeps them out that I can remember details of what people were wearing when and what smells were about during that time. I associate a lot of my memory with sight and smells and I think it is because I spent a few years without having the ability to hear.
What did I hear? Muffled sounds. Nothing was clear. The way I heard things is the way that I spoke (I did see 1 brief video recording of me at the age of 2 – but I haven’t seen that since I was 8, and I don’t know if they even have those recordings anymore – I’m 29 now). It was pretty bad. I failed all my hearing tests time and time again. My brothers became my personal translators for my own mom. People constantly tried to teach me how to speak. Children stayed away from me. I ran around all over the place and I was loud and making noises they didn’t understand and they certainly couldn’t relate to me. No one played with me unless my mom’s friends had kids my age and they were told to be nice to me. I saw many children point and laugh at me. Have you ever heard what it sounds like to hear people laugh underneath water? You can’t even tell they are laughing. . just more noises that don’t make sense. That’s how I heard things. I felt vibrations easily and loved the water probably because it comforted me and it was the sound of how I heard things anyway. I had to wear bathing caps and had earplugs made to fit my ears so that I could go under the water (though my mom was hesitant about me doing that since you really are not supposed to do that after tubal surgery which I had at about 3 or 4 years of age – I could tell you details about the hospital and my time from the day and day after of surgery).
I was a sickly child with constant fevers, colds, and ear infections that I eventually became so accustomed to that I’d act like a “normal” healthy child but a doctor would check me and say I had a double infection. What my mom didn’t know is that in the middle of the night I’d often wince in pain and would hit my ears and slam my head as hard as I could against my pillow while fighting the tears. I suppose I attempted to be brave. My mom was so flustered about it all the time that she’d pray over me every day, bring me to people to pray over me, or would bring me up to speakers at church in hopes that they could heal me. I didn’t like strange people I didn’t know touching my ears all the time.
When I was in pre-kindergarten at age 4/5, I started getting speech therapy. I just remember sitting in a small room with a nice teacher (she had a kind smile) and about 2 or 3 other children in the room with me. I didn’t even know what they had problems with (later on I found out they only had lisps or stutters and that I was the gigantic challenge), I didn’t even know why I was in that class. I didn’t know anything. I just sat there and sat there and saw my teacher moving her lips wide while making noises. I didn’t know what she wanted me to do. She eventually told my mom I was a hopeless case and would never be able to speak properly. I guess my mom never thought about getting me an implant or anything to help my hearing, as I never had it shown to me or anything, unless it was the next step since the speech therapist said there was nothing to help me and the ear doctor always seemed extremely disappointed in me when I’d take a test (but fail). My parents had no money as it was, so it was hard for my mom while my dad never seemed involved or concerned in my “problem”.
I had a dream during a “nap time” (my mom put me down for naps until I was 6). In my dream was a man who was of brownish skin tone and gentle eyes. He was so kind to me and understanding. He didn’t touch my ears like everyone else seemed to do. Somehow, I could hear him without a problem. He told me who he was. . . Jesus. He let me know that He had always been with me and would always be with me. He said, “I’ve healed your ears. You also can speak. Don’t be afraid.” I remember feeling so warm and happy with Him. The sound of His voice was the greatest thing to hear. It was the first thing I had heard consciously and clearly in my life. It is the greatest sound ever. I was in a wonderfully scented meadow, but I don’t think it was heaven at all. I was too focused on Him to really know where I was. I woke up. My first instinct was to see my mom. I remember running down the stairs with a huge smile on my face. I faced the kitchen table after exiting the stairwell and my mom was sitting there with her Bible (which was also constant, though I didn’t know what a Bible was). I said perfectly, “Jesus healed my ears!!! He healed me! He healed my ears!!!” My mom ran over to me in shock and in amazement. She was overjoyed and kept praising God and proclaiming “Hallelujah” and “Praise Jesus!” She called all her friends to let them know that her prayers were answered. She told everyone of the miracle.
When I went back to school, my speech therapist was so amazed and in shock that she went yelling down the hallways exclaiming to everyone that a miracle had happened and told people that Jesus had healed me without a doubt. I went from being a failure to being instantly graduated from the program. My therapist documented the miracle. When I went to my hearing testing and finally could hear the little beeps of the sounds to put blocks into a bucket while sitting in a little sound booth room with headphones on. I passed with flying colors and no longer needed to go to the ear doctor again.
No one had to tell me who Jesus was, I met Him. No one could ever tell me Jesus doesn’t exist. I met him. No one could ever say that the impossible cannot happen. I’m proof of that. If people want to disprove my miracle, they can’t. It is like the blind man in the Bible who Jesus healed. People asked him question after question about who did it and why and he could only exclaim, “I was blind, now I see.” (John 9)
Since my healing, I never doubted God’s existence. I never had faith issues like many people I know (which kills me so much to see, though I am hopeful for them in their search). I have seen many ways that Jesus has shown Himself to me (though not physically again like in my childhood). I can hear and talk because people need to know He is real and that He is alive no matter how much you want to disprove Him. Why did He choose me? That’s not the point at all! I believe God’s glory has been revealed through it, and that is why it happened (for Him). I do believe in the power of prayer for I have witnessed the effects of it (and am an effect of it). I do believe that Jesus gave me a reason to hear and speak: to proclaim His gospel and His kingdom to all people! It is because I am not ashamed of Him. It is because I know He is real. My purpose in life is to serve and glorify Him forever, so I will do that. No one forced me to. No one told me I should. I didn’t have to “say a prayer” to get into the system, I just need to be willing to allow Him to be effective in my life TODAY and not disregard all He gives to me EVERY DAY, which is so much! I know He is real and I want to live that out. Did I deserve such healing? Absolutely not at all. He chose to do it though and I thank Him so much for doing so! I have met a couple people who had the exact same hearing loss I had and they have hearing aides and cannot talk too well at all, and as a pre-teen in meeting these people I asked God, “Why can’t you do that for them too?” I cannot fully understand the mysteries of God, but I do know that He is real and worth all praise.
